Life B

(photo: all the beautiful happy people I watched, the wedding dance floor full of good energy. best music playlist ever.)

December 2006
Yesterday evening, as I was driven through Laguna Beach to meet some friends (the ones who can make living abroad make me feel some void, some sense of being incomplete), I emptied my head in the front seat onto my journal pages and felt see through. From my rambling mouth I learned that I had a lot on my mind about being back here, but had avoided staring it in the face.

Being here now is like stepping through the mirror to someone else's life. Like putting on a wig and costume, I feel like I'm sneaking in. An imposter with an appropriate life resume to fool everyone.

It feels like rereading a book years later. Suddenly I'm living like turning back time is as possible as picking up "Catcher in the Rye" again. I turn the pages quickly here- I have to finish this "story" in 8 days and there are so many red lights and voices to get to. So many lines to stand in. So many things to buy. A wedding to attend (the reason I came to California this second time around). The first of my closest friends gets married. A beautiful wedding. A concentrated catching up with many of my old high school friends in the happiest of settings and amidst such elegance. My surroundings have been drastically altered from my life just days before. My mind is in such a different place here.


I feel like I'm cheating in the game of life right now. And sometimes I breathe deep and feel a ball of guilt in my stomach for being able to just pick up and leave Belize.

I smile and laugh an awful lot somehow. Am I really that skilled at distracting myself from my tangled thoughts?