i am unfree. i am free.

"But how can this be permanent, since the mind is so restless and inconsistent? The mind is impetuous and stubborn, strong and wilful, as difficult to harness as the wind. Undoubtedly, the mind is restless and hard to control. But it can be trained by constant practice and by freedom from desire."
From: "Light on Yoga," by B.K.S. Iyengar; p. 21

To free or not to free yourself from desire. That is my question.
Better to allow yourself to fall into that desirable process of cultivating a new connection you've collided into, in the process of picking yourself up from the last fall... or to try and push this new thing back into the dirt and pretend it never appeared? Which is more natural?
Is it healthy to encourage this? Is it unhealthy to supress it?
Better to guard an injured heart or try to mend it?

* * *

I worry about going home. I worry about existing in that reality again. I feel low and confused right now, I miss my friends back home; I don't want to be going back to the States when I'm at a down point here- that scares me. I'm watching too many people leave this place and this experience for something back home. There is a lot of good around me here, and a lot of good in the future to focus on. But a lot weighs on my tired shoulders these days. It's hard right now and I feel heavy. Heavy and sick with worry. Sick with heavy thoughts and heavy heart.

* * *

In-service training is done and gone... until the next one. Good to see far-off friends, though free time was more often spent with everyone together socially, rather than clocking in quality catch-up time. In these mass events, I find myself overwhelmed by all the now-familiar faces around me. Time was short, so I pushed through it. I did find time to catch up with some friends... over an Indian dinner, meandering through the streets of Belize City.
We celebrated fake-Thanksgiving at our Director's house... lots of potluck food, wine, beer... I brought the cranberries (fyi: Belize does not have frozen or fresh cranberries). They were from the can but I made sure to add sherry and orange zest, lest my mother disown me. We also had a bittersweet party for a beloved staff member who was leaving PC.

Rambunctious nights in the Royal Orchid hotel... everyone bursting to release that tension, stress, loneliness... all that we collect (and sometimes bottle up) at work, in the community, at home.