Sunday, June 15, 2008

Life A


(*note: while this entry has little to do with Peace Corps, i decided to include it because it has everything to do with this time in my life. when you live with yourself in one room you tend to pick your brain and heart apart until you can find at least an ounce of clarity.)

i'm sitting in my apartment.
it's muggy. my ankles itch.
i feel right at home.
i'm back in Belize.

Convenience is desired all over the world, but how strongly people strive for it in Southern California is fascinating.

Maybe this has to do with my impulsive nature. Is it a fear of impending panic? Is it a rush to the most convenient option? Perhaps a combination of both.
Why is it that I can stick out a lot of things, but when it comes to relationships, my impulse is to pessimistically walk away? How is it that I can be so quickly consumed with hope and happiness, only to just as quickly be consumed with paranoia and pessimism? The ugly "What if..." The Professionals call it Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Attacks. I describe it as follows:

anxiety- always considering the worst
panic- dreading it will happen
both- a disaster.

It can be so easy for me to justify why I should give a new relationship a try. And before I'm even coming down from the giddy infatuated stage, I start mentally listing all of the reasons it won't work. And just like that, it can be so easy for me to justify why I should end something before it gets too messy.
Avoid messy.
Avoid panic.

But just maybe...

Maybe if I sink my feet into the sand and stick this one out, regardless of possible messy, painful consequences, I'll be pleasantly surprised.
Or maybe I'll have my heart broken. But who knows how much good I've missed out on, busy worrying about the bad.

Ugh. I need sleep.