vamos a belice! ...(y los estados?)

the Guatemala travelers stayed one night in Belize City before all going our separate ways, something some of our colleagues had done 5 weeks ago. we had enjoyed the afternoon heat at our favorite cheap burrito stand; we remembered what Belikins and air-conditioned-zoning out in front of the t.v. in our dingy hotel rooms felt like.

one other volunteer had been placed in Orange Walk Town, and she and i managed to get all of our luggage onto a bus headed north. we sat and silently observed a routine check point become police officers requesting identification from two men (thought to be Guatemalans), which was met by shaking heads, which was met by the police officer saying “Come with me.” the men got off the bus, and as the officer continued to randomly check identification, someone shouted “There they go!” as the men disappeared into the bushes.

the family picked us up in town, along with our heavy bags, and we came home to an excellent lunch. after a nap, book, and sweaty quasi-unpacking session, i talked to my sister. my mom would need someone to take care of her 24 hours a day for 2 weeks, and trying to make sure that was possible was putting stress on the family. i had the money saved for a plane ticket. i decided to ask PeaceCorps about their policies for emergency family leave.

***
within an hour of getting permission from my supervisor for a 2-week emergency family leave, i had a ticket for the coming Saturday. i’m going home.

***

after what felt like an eternity, i landed. it was late at night. i was met with a hug and a bunch of yellow roses, and felt such a surge of happiness as I sat in the passenger seat belonging to this person i loved and had let go of.
we met my sister at her house and the three of us talked for hours. it felt so good to be at home, sleeping under the same roof as these people i cared about.

seeing my parents the next morning, i felt a great release of all the worry and stress i’d been holding in. and then my new job began. taking care of Mom is a full-time gig, preparing food, helping with showering and dressing, medication… and then there’s A.J. the new and first family dog, who is an entirely separate 24-hour patient. i had come back with the hopes of being able to get some work done (research, lesson planning), but i could see that there wouldn’t be much time for that.

it’s so surreal being here though. i can’t even describe how every time i’m out in public, it’s like i’m in a fog of some distant planet… people don’t acknowledge me on the street. i feel invisible. it’s as though my family and friends feel right, but nothing else does.

i sat in a fancy restaurant and stared at the cloth covering the lemon on my plate. i thought about my life in Belize and i felt certain that i could never fully share that with someone here. love is confusing and it’s often hard to find the words to describe the state that its failure, deflation, and fatigue puts you in. but there i was making all attempts to make sense of why i’m habitually so scared and pessimistic when faced with a challenging relationship.

i’m trying to stay distracted with the things around me that make me smile: hair dye, running errands, creating a Halloween costume, cruising around a neighborhood with three friends, making beautiful circles in each identical cul de sac, reggae loud over the laughter. and for a while i melted away in the back seat as we slowly glided along.